Love, Death, and Chicken Mascots

“I loved her. Hell, I thought about marrying her a couple times. I don’t know if Selena ever felt that way, but we were two crazy kids who resembled a happy couple. Then suddenly, she dies. The moment that happened, my life was over. I haven’t been eating right. And I can barely sleep. You wouldn’t be wrong in assuming if I was dead.” I’m thinking while I’m comfy in my messy bed. My sister, Alicia, bursts into the room like a kid on a sugar rush. Part of her nose has some white powder on it. “Why is your black ass in bed on a Friday night?” She asks. “Why is your black ass covered in white powder?” I respond snarky. Instantly, Alicia wipes off the white stuff. “Don’t change the subject.” She responds while trying to sniff the remaining powder on her upper lip. “Look, I had me a nice cup of noodles and a piece of cake. My black ass is feeling good”. I said. “Feeling good, huh? You were crying the other night.” She says.

“I was crying because of Training Day. How the fuck you kill off Denzel Washington? And by Russians, get the fuck out of here”. I responded. Alicia clearly didn’t buy my excuse by crossing her arms and staring at me like I stole something. “I’m good Alicia”. “And you’ll be better at this party I’m heading to”. She says. “Party?” I question. “Of course! This party has three important G’s, girls, girls, and girls! This is the biggest party of the year, and I heard from a friend, of a friend, who heard from his cousin, who could also be his step-brother, that these parties end in orgies! Don’t you want to be touched and pleasured by mysterious strangers at a party?” She gleefully expresses. “No!” I shout back disgusted. “I’m good here”. “Jeffrey please, I’m worried about you. It’s been six months and you’re just dying here. Come to the party. At least for 30 minutes.” She pleads. I take a deep breath and actually think about. “Fine” I said as I left the room clearly not giving two-fucks. Alicia clapped excited and rushed out with me.

We got to my sister’s broken-down Nissan. The night was quiet for the hood. No dogs were barking. The homeless were singing Kumbaya, and the gangsters were nowhere to be found. She unlocks the door and we pop into the vehicle, which happens to smell like hot Cheetos and weed. She turned on the radio and drove off. As I stared at every cop, drug dealer, and prostitute we passed by unhappy, as I had an uneasy feeling about myself. It didn’t take long for my sister to notice. “What’s wrong?” She asks. “I’m good” I quickly respond. “Jeffrey, I’m not an idiot.” She says. “How do you talk to women?” I asked. Alicia looked surprised. “How did you talk to Selena?” She responds. “She talked to me first.” I said sadden. “Just talk to them. Women like a man with confidence”. She says. “But they don’t like a man that’s not six feet” I quickly respond. “Not true, there are plenty of guys under six feet that get girls” She says. “OK, name three”. I said. Alicia pulls into a 7-Eleven. “Gotta get my slurpee first!” She swiftly gets out of the Nissan. “You’re avoiding the question!” He shouts as she runs. “No I’m not!” Alicia shouts back as she rushes into the 7-Eleven. Irked that Alicia didn’t answer the question, I get out of the car myself and I see someone in a rabbit costume doing the robot and a girl with the most banging body on a mechanical rocket. I’m telling you, the chick had some nice tits and her face? She could easily win the title for the most beautiful woman in the world. And yes, she’s was over 18. I think. I just went off and started day dreaming. Me and her, happily running through the alley way as the homeless and rats cheer us down the aisle. Maybe there’s a cop or two. Depends on the night. “Ow!” I responded after my sister slapped me on my head. “Just go talk to her dummy” my sister says while drinking down a slurpee. “I can’t just go talk to her like that”, I responded nervous. “It’s all good. There ain’t no cops here, so if hooking up with a big breasted 12-year-old is your thing then who am I to judge?” She says in the snarkiest way possible.

“Don’t try to be a comedian” I respond with the same snark back. “I don’t joke about big breasted 12-year-old’s Jeffrey”, I rolled my eyes to her response. Suddenly, the chick with the banging body stares my way. And what did I do? Play it cool and pimp walked myself over to her? Nah, that’s lame. Instead, I grab my sister’s hand and darted into the 7-Eleven like a scared dog. “What the hell was that?” She says annoyed. “She looked at me”. I said as my eyes were focused on the Latina girl outside of the 7-Eleven. “You sure she wasn’t looking at mommy?” She chuckles and goes back to slurping down her drink. I just stared at my sister irked. “I look forward to your funeral”, I say in a serious, but not serious manner. “I love you too” She smiles and continues down her drink. “How do I talk to her? Fuck, what do I say?” I say nervously. “What if I’m a loser?”. “Oh don’t worry, you are” My sister sarcastically responds. “Alicia!” I shout. “Oh Jeffrey, stop being a baby. Look, all you have to do is turn your swag on and boom! You two are getting married down at Guantanamo Bay” she says hyped up. “Guantanamo Bay? What!” I responded clearly confused. “Exactly. Now show me your swag” she says.

“Show me your swag?” I respond sounding puzzled. “Show me your swag” she requests. “Swag. Got it” I respond not too confident. I cleared my throat loudly as Alicia sucks down the last of her slurpee looking bored. “Sup, young thing…” Alicia bursts out laughing. “What’s funny?” He questions worried. “You just said, “Sup, young thing. Do I really need to explain why I’m laughing?” She says swiftly.

Fuck that, I knew what I was saying. Women don’t know how to talk to women. That’s a fact. Saw this Latin dude. Had a tear tattoo under his right eye. And he had a glock on his left side. Classic fuck boy. He should know how to talk to women. I darted over to the Latin fuck boy. My sister follows. “Yo”, my formal way of greeting the man. “Sup homie, you cute and shit but I don’t fuck black guys during the week” The Latin dude responds with. “Na, na, it ain’t like that” I quickly dismiss. “I’m just trying to get some pointers on women. You do fuck with women?” I question. “I fuck with women. I fuck with niggas. Hell, I fuck with that parrot over there.” The Latin guy says. Me and Alicia stare at the parrot mascot who’s passed out of the floor. He seemed peacefully asleep. Or dead. We can’t didn’t care enough to investigate. “Cool. So, you seem like a guy that’s good with women. How do you talk to them?” I ask. “You gotta act like your dick is hangin’ out”. He said. “What the fuck” Alicia took the actual words out of my mouth. “Look, I’ll show you.” The Latin guy says.

The Latin guy pimp walks over to Alicia, though it mainly looks like he has a stick up his ass. “You know baby girl, those lips and that ass has been running through my mind all day long” he spits out to Alicia with confidence and poise. Alicia bursts out laughing spitting her slurpee in the face on the Latin guy. Alicia grabs my hand. “Have a good night” she says laughing up a storm as she pulls me away. “Alicia, why you pull me away? He was giving me good tips” I questioned. “You can’t be serious?” She responds. Abruptly, a robber bursts into the 7-Eleven. “Everybody put your fucking hands up! The robber shouts with a gun in the air. Alicia squats down in the candy aisle, but I stared at the robber. The robber stares back. “Jeffrey! What the fuck are you doing?” Alicia whispers concerned. The robber rushes over and points the gun in my face. “Is there a fucking problem?” The robber asks. “Na, no problem. But you seem like a guy that’s good with the ladies, can you help me out?” I ask. “Of course, little man. I got the time. You got a gun?” The robber asks. “Uh, nah. I don’t have a gun” I respond. “See that’s the problem. Girls like guys that they fear” he says. “They do?” I question. “Of course, little nigga. You see you got to get yourself a gun and scare her with that shit.” He says confidently. Alicia mumbles “What the fuck?” “Scare her?” I question puzzled. “Yeah, scare her. Here, hold my gun” The robber hands me his gun.

“Now point it at me.” He says. I could’ve shot him. Or pistol whipped him. I could’ve been the hero of this 7-Eleven. But na, getting that girl’s number was my first priority. So, I pointed the gun at the robber. “You see this? This is some sexy shit. I’m turned on right now” The robber shouts excited. “You really turned on?” I ask. “Nigga, I’m turned the fuck on. I jumping in my g-string right now” I smile after the robber’s comment. The sound of cop cars ring outside of the 7-Eleven. The robber snatches his gun. “Remember what I told you” He shouts as he runs out of the store. “Get your ass back here!” One of the cops’ yells as he chases after the robber. “What a nice man. I think I’m ready” I said confidently. I leave the store with a nice swagger. “Oh, I gotta see this” Alicia says and quickly follows me. Outside of the 7-Eleven I see the Latina girl smoking a cigarette and my heart beats fast. I took a deep breath and rubbed my hands together. Alicia rolled her eyes. Oddly, the dancing rabbit was still…dancing. I finally made my way over to the Latina, but then I stopped and turned around. “Wait a minute, you did all that and you’re still scared?” Alicia says annoyed. “I’m just tired. I’ll do it tomorrow.” I said with a hint of disappointment.

“Why are you so afraid? Don’t get me wrong, the advice you’ve received tonight was pure bullshit, but all you have to do is be yourself” She says. “And being myself is what killed Selena.” I responded. “That doesn’t make any sense.” She argues back. “Selena killed herself. And she didn’t say goodbye or anything. What if she killed herself because of me?” I said teary-eyed. “That’s bullshit. You did nothing wrong. Selena had problems that we didn’t know about” She says trying to console me. “I was her boyfriend. I should’ve known. I didn’t deserve her. I don’t deserve anyone” I said sadden. “Look at me.” She demands. “You are one of the smartest, funniest, and nicest people that I know. Selena’s death isn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for that” She sincerely expresses. “You really think she didn’t kill herself because of me?” Alicia gently grabs my hand after my statement. “I know she didn’t. If I know Selena, she would want you to go out there and find love. Be Happy”. I cracked a smile. My sister was right, I needed to live my life. This isn’t what Selena would want for me. So, the hair on my nuts finally grew and I turned back in the direction of the Latina girl. But, she was gone. All that was left was a burnt-out cigarette. I frantically looked around the small parking lot and couldn’t believe that she was gone without a trace. My heart sank at that point.

“Shit.” I said dispirited. “I’m sorry.” Alicia expresses her condolences. The dancing rabbit comes near me and terribly does the robot. I look at the rabbit like “what the hell are you doing?”. “Can we get some privacy?” I ask. “You don’t remember me?” The rabbit responds. “Sorry, I don’t know any giant rabbits in my life”. I responded. The rabbit laughs. “No silly.” The rabbit takes off its head and it’s a girl I had a mad crush on for years during high school. I just never had the balls to ask her out. She was pretty and smart; I didn’t think I stood a chance with a chick like that. “Kelly?” I responded sounding surprised. “That’s me!” Kelly expresses giddy. “Why are you out here on the streets?” Alicia questions. “I lost a bet that had my pride and dignity on the line. Tomorrow, I have to be in a chicken suit down on 14th and Maine.” She answers. “You wouldn’t happen to need some company, would you?” I asked. “As long as you don’t mind the smell of blood and vomit in your suit” Kelly says. I waved it off like it was nothing. “I eat vomit and blood for breakfast” Kelly laughs at my response. “Oh…wait” Kelly cut me off with a quick kiss. “Then it’s a date. Be there at 8” Kelly says. I smiled as she leaves giddy. “Tomorrow’s gonna be a good night”. I said with a big smile on my face. “Let’s go lover boy” Alicia says as she gets into her car. I looked up to the sky. “I’m gonna be alright” I mumbled. I join Alicia in her vehicle. She turns on the car and speeds out of the parking lot moments later.